It’s such a comforting phrase, isn’t it. #bekind we are exhorted on a daily basis from people of all kinds of beliefs on different sides of any argument. If only we could all #bekind to one another the world would be a better place and we could all live on a fluffy cloud with rainbows and unicorns. Would that life were so simple. I realise that many people use the #bekind hashtag and genuinely mean it. No one without a heart of stone could be anything other than appalled at where the online bullying of Caroline Flack ultimately led. Reminding people to #bekind in their online dealings seems a great way to counteract that.
But...
Simply saying #bekind is not enough. Kindness demands action. And it is not always a fluffy sweet thing either. It can be. Kindness manifests itself in families all the time when parents comfort their children or siblings look out for one another. But sometimes kindness needs to be cruel - is it really kind to delay ending a relationship for fear of hurting the other partner?
Kindness at times requires nerves of steel and an iron rod spine. It requires us to take hard choices and make unfashionable statements. And therein lies the rub. Because so many of the people imploring us to #bekind only mean, #bekind to those on my side of the fence. The rest of them? Well they can go to hell. It is never hard to find people on both sides of an argument hurling all sorts of vile abuse at one another, while still pleading with their followers to #bekind.
That to me is not kindness. Kindness is a virtue that needs to be supported by its sister virtues of Truth and Respect. And in the Transgender Wars we find very little actual kindness on display. I understand totally why well-meaning people think that being kind to transfolk who are struggling with their identity means we should be kind and accept those people. I think that too, and will always politely refer to anyone’s pronouns as a mark of respect. But is it really kind of me to go along with their belief that they have made a material change to their sex? We all know biologically that is impossible. What is kind in affirming their belief? Will it help them in the long run? Wouldn’t it be better to support people to live the way they want, while acknowledging that a TM or a TW is and never can be the same as a man or a woman?
It sounds like a kindness to allow TWs to use women’s toilets. They might feel uncomfortable in men’s loos (and who wouldn’t quite frankly, the majority of them are vile). And most of them present no danger to women. But how kind is it to insist that all toilets become “gender neutral”? Especially those in schools. How kind is to a 12/13 year old girl menstruating for the first time to be exposed to boys in what should be her private space, because one of them happens to be transgender? Would it not be better to have a third space? Use the gender neutral toilets if you wish, but let us have toilets for men and women too.
It must be hard to be a transgender athlete defining as a woman, and face flak for playing women’s sport. Again it sounds like a kindness to allow them to do so. But how does that work for the women involved? Years of training gone to pot, because a TW who may have performed poorly as a male athlete can come in and take their medals (it’s happening all the time in the US where girls are losing out on sports scholarships to trans athletes). Moreover in any contact sport like boxing or rugby it’s positively dangerous for the women concerned, which is why World Rugby, quite rightly in my view, have banned it.
And of course, the area where we are asked most frequently to #bekind is when it comes to teens with gender dysmorphia. Kindness according to the very powerful transgender lobby equates to affirming our childrens’ beliefs. If a boy likes dolls and dress up and declares himself a girl, believe her! If a girl is butch and physical, believe him! Don’t try to discuss these issues. Don’t try and find out why they feel the way they do. Don’t give them counselling. Affirm them! They know their own mind. And as puberty approaches in all its scariness, give them blockers, so they can take their time to work out what and who they are. It all sounds so reasonable, so kind. The truth is, as any one of us whose ever been through puberty knows, it is a testing, confusing and sometimes miserable period in our lives as we grapple not just with bodily changes, but the whole notion of growing up and making adult choices. And at this particularly difficult time in their lives, children need support and love in a non- judgemental way more than ever. And while it seems like a kindness to tell them they should embrace their feelings and accept who they are, in the long run it does them no favours. The majority of kids with gender dysphoria ultimately decide they are not trans. It is not kind to tell them that that is the only route available to them. It is not kind to put them on medication that may have long reaching effects on their lives. And it is certainly not kind to suggest to confused teenagers they should have surgery/treatment that ultimately might make them infertile at an age when they have no idea of the consequences of what that might be. #bekind doesn’t help them make considered, appropriate choices. #bekind teaches them there is only one way out of this, until for many it is too late and by the time they get to adulthood those choices have set the course of their lives in a way they could never have imagined.
Kindness demands action not words. And to #bekind we should acknowledge material reality, facts and truth. Otherwise we do a great disservice to the many trans people who need support. You think you want to help? Then truly, #bekind.